Redneck Bidet

European assholes have had the pleasure of being spoiled for decades. For some reason, spraying your asshole with a jet of warm, comforting, soothing, refreshing, cleansing water is seen as strange. Sorry, we may have just came a little. Stand alone bidets can run you upwards of 1,000 hard earned bucks... but why let that stop you from neglecting your asshole? To solve the problem we introduce to you the redneck bidet! You may say it is just a squirt-gun, but we say go fuck yourselves, and use it on your assholes! It is glorious! For an extra pleasurable experience, we suggest you try mixing some fragrance, or any other kind of fortifier in with the warm water in the redneck bidet. Be creative! You'll never see a European bidet or an expensive standard bidet come with such a fancy feature! Here is a list of why our redneck bidet is superior to all other bidets:

1) our bidet costs hundreds of dollars less
2) there are far more different brands and styles of our bidets
3) our bidets are handheld, and therefore have more freedom to cleanse you from many different angles and positions
4) our bidets can spray a variety of fluids, such as water with soap mixed in. Standard bidets cannot
5) our bidets are portable, so you will never find yourself without one when nature calls
6) you can even use our bidet in a water gun fight with your friends! (I suggest telling them you use it to clean your bunghole after the fight)

In sum, our redneck bidet is far superior to any fancy European bidet and their equivalents. With a little creativity and a sense of adventure, your asshole could become the cleanest in the world... courtesy of Moose Lodge Remedies!

Next week: What on earth do you do about a sore asshole after uncontrollable diarrhea? Discover the best remedy on earth (you'll never guess what it is), only on Moose Lodge Remedies

Poo Texts

A little known  fact about modern cellular telephones is that they are fully capable of capturing your most impressive feces, and then sending them to your friends! This is a great way to keep in contact with friends, loved ones, and even your doctor. Now everybody you know can be updated on your digestive health, which is an important aspect in a healthy relationship. Tell your friends you love them today with an up-close and personal poo text!

Next Week: Have you ever been jealous of those fancy European assholes that get a gentle spray  of warm water after a nasty poo? Can't afford a bidet of your own? We have the solution for you! Only on Moose Lodge Remedies.

EMERGENCY UPDATE

Don't try and save money by buying retreaded condoms. Don't ask why... just don't do it.

The Tootershooter

The answer to last week's question is..... The Tootershooter! Few things in this beautiful world are as awesome as the Tootershooter. The Tootershooter is a simple cardboard cylinder specifically engineered to heighten the pleasure of flatulence, especially in the presence of others. To use the Tootershooter, simply create a seal around your asshole with the end of the Tootershooter right before you fart. After completing your fart, bring one end of the Tootershooter to your mouth and use it as a blowgun to demolish anyone else in the room. You would never believe how accurate and effective the Tootershooter is at concentrating the stench of a fart over long distances. After testing multiple sizes of Tootershooter (TS) and considering multiple ranges, the most effective size is a standard poster packaging size cylinder (TS1000) as depicted in the picture. You can even block both ends of the Tootershooter and transport your fart within a reasonable amount of time. Why wait for someone to join you to fart on them when you can easily bring the fart TO them in a highly concentrated stream of stench?! Although the poster size tube is the most effective overall, here is a list of other sizes that are more suited to specific situations.

-Toilet paper roll (TS250): best for portability. This may include car rides, airplane travel, etc...
-Long paper towel roll (TS500): best for tight spaces and stealthy ninja missions.
-Poster size (TS1000): best for maximum concentration, range, and acoustic maximization of fart sounds. This is a must have for every bachelor and fart enthusiast. 
-Industrial all purpose size roll (TS12000, or tootertube): this is the bazooka of the tootershooter family. Only usable at point blank range.
-Fan (TS∞): It may only look like a fan, but if placed correctly in your ass crack it is the most glorious thing you've ever seen in your life. 

With an arsenal of Tootershooters, you will be unstoppable when it comes to outfarting your friends. If you and your friends are capable, try doing a nerf war with them! The sky is the limit with a Tootershooter and your friends at Moose Lodge Remedies.


Next week: Have you ever wondered what to do after producing the most amazing shit in your life? Find out only on Moose Lodge Remedies, your source for everything important.

Your Ass Hair... And what you should know about it

The answer to last weeks question is DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASSHOLE! Mankind has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years and never got rid of ass hair for a good reason. Every time you have a sketchy fart, your ass hair acts as a safety net and absorbs the unwanted feces. We have never appreciated the value of ass hair until now, seeing as ass hair is free and underwear is expensive. If you appreciate the aesthetic qualities of a freshly shaved bunghole and the exhilarating feeling of shaving cream in your sphincter, I suggest you treat yourself a pack of Costco underwear.... or just use a manpon!


Next week:  Everybody loves to fart, and now its a whole lot better! Find out how to take your farts to the next level, only on Moose Lodge Remedies

The Manpon

Have you ever woken up after a long night of drinking and accidentally shit your pants? Well we have the solution for you! After many close calls and real accidents, our research has discovered the number one home remedy for a leaky bunghole. This of course, is the manpon. The manpon is a simple wad of toilet paper (two ply) that is inserted between the buttcheeks, inferior and adjacent to the anus. The manpon is a simple absorbancy tool specifically engineered to catch any buttsneeze that may possibly jettison from the anus. The manpon works for DADS (day after drinking shits), diarrhea, and any other sort of butt allergy mankind may suffer from. When used correctly, the manpon will give you a sense of relief from even your of your most vicious anal problems. CAUTION: prolonged use of the manpon may lead to toxic shock syndrome, and should be changed regularly.

Next week: Is shaving your ass hair beneficial, or detrimental? Hint... the answer starts with a "d"